November 18, 2015

“A Table Full of Unconditional Love” – A Project Family Adoption Story

Posted in Adoption, DCF, Project Family tagged , , , , at 11:36 am by Lund

“The visual of the night he came into custody is forever burned in my memory. The sights, smells and sounds trapped in my muscle memory so different than any of the other memories I have. How late it was, how sad he was, how relieved he was when he saw it was me waiting for him. Even now that picture brings tears to my eyes. I cannot believe that three years have flown by because truly it feels like just yesterday.

At first he was with me “just the weekend” and that first weekend was pure fun. Trying to keep his mind off of things, showing him around the farm, driving the tractor, making s’mores over the fire.  It wasn’t until the following week when he found out he wouldn’t be going home for at least 3 months that things got real. The honeymoon was over. All bets were off and I met the angriest, saddest, guiltiest, most self loathing little eight year old boy there ever was.

And even then in our darkest hours he was also plainly the sweetest most compassionate, brilliant glowing ember I am sure I will ever know. People ask me how I could see that in him so clearly when so much was trying to quash his true self. I don’t know. And yet, there it was. Big as life for anyone who spent time with him to see.   Never has there been a more committed team of people from Project Family, DCF, the school, and mental health to Post-Permanence Services. I continue to feel that this group of people truly created a positive outcome where there could have been a much different one. We had this table full of unconditional love that just wouldn’t give up.

I should interject here that there were certainly moments when I thought I couldn’t go on, times when the boulder felt too heavy. There were thousands of dollars of property damage, physical aggression that left me
breathless and bleeding and the running away!!!!! That was tough. It was the self harm though and threats to self that finally pushed me to ask for a higher level of care.  It took three bouts of residential in two different places as well as a couple of short term crisis placements to teach, heal and nurture my child to the point of stability but we made it. He has been living at home for over a year now. He has friends. Real friends, the kind who invite him over for sleepovers and to their birthday parties. It may sound like just a normal kind of kid thing but it isn’t. Recently when he got his first base hit the bleachers and dugout were full of screaming children and adults. He is all of ours. To know him is to love him and he is enveloped in a community of love.

Credit: Steve Allen, Creative Commons on Flickr

Credit: Steve Allen, Creative Commons on Flickr

He used to say that his dream was to one day be a normal kid. Somehow, that reality just snuck up on us. Here he is, my normal, so much more than normal, football playing, avid reading, friendly, well balanced kid.

I hope anyone reading this doesn’t think I have blinders on to the reality of our world and what it may always be because I don’t and I recognize that statistically we are an anomaly and that this may be short lived. Every time we have a good day it goes in the savings to be stockpiled for the next storm. Man, do we have a small fortune in there right now.

-Bianca, Adoptive Mom

July 1, 2015

Adoption Support Group in Brattleboro – Guest Post by Graham Kidder

Posted in Adoption, DCF, Events, Foster Care Program, Project Family tagged , , , , , , , at 10:25 am by Lund

In my role as Permanency Planning Counselor for Lund and Project Family, I facilitate an adoption support group for adoptive families in Brattleboro, Vermont with my colleague, Danna Bare who is a Post Permanence Specialist for Lund. The group meets from 6:30 to 8:30 on the second Monday of every month at the Brattleboro Savings and Loan community room.

I co-founded the group with Nancy Birge (formerly with Casey Family Services) in 2003. The group was called ‘Adoption Support for Families of Younger Children’, and was designed as a group to offer support and guidance for families of younger children, who might otherwise be scared by some of the stories and experiences shared by families with teenagers. While the group maintains its original name, several of the original members continue to attend the group; hence the group is no longer solely for parents with younger children.

This adoption support group is a safe and supportive environment for parents to share the joys and frustrations of parenting. The format is based on what families need.  We usually check in to see if anyone has any burning issues they need to discuss.  We split the time up depending on the number of participants, and try to allow for everyone to have equal time to talk.  Group members understand that sometimes they will need a little extra time, but there are also usually members who don’t need their full allotment.   When a participant starts, he or she can let us know whether they are looking for advice, or just need to vent. Parents know that what they share in group remains confidential, and will not circulate back into the community. Parents have expressed gratitude for having a space where they can talk about how frustrated they sometimes become, knowing that the group members recognize that they still love their children even if the stories they share don’t always convey that love.

CC Image Courtesy of Emilio P. Doiztua on Flickr

CC Image Courtesy of Emilio P. Doiztua on Flickr

Group members have truly formed a supportive environment for each other, and they come to recognize that they are not alone.  Danna and I often find ourselves observing as group members empathize with each other’s struggles, and offer advice and encouragement.  Members often talk about how in stressful situations at home they often remember some advice from the group, and are able to tap into that knowledge to help themselves through the moment.

We welcome new members, whether you have adopted internationally or locally, either through public state adoption or private agency. If you are interested in learning more about the group, please do not hesitate to contact me or Danna.

Graham Kidder – Permanency Planning Counselor for Lund and Project Family  – (802) 368-7260 – grahamk@lundvt.org
Danna Bare – Post Permanence Counselor  –  (802) 258-0308 –  dannab@lundvt.org

 

 

 

graham@lundvt.org

June 10, 2015

‘I found my home’ – The real voice of foster care

Posted in Adoption, DCF, Foster Care Program, Project Family tagged , , , , at 12:07 pm by Lund

Sierra was adopted through foster care at age five. She has memories of her previous foster homes and living with her birth parents. As part of a school project, Sierra wrote about her story. Her poem, “I’m Just an Orphan” captures the experiences of early trauma, foster care, and adoption. Her writing is expressive and provoking. Sierra shows courage and awareness in writing about her story. She is willing to share her poem in hopes to create more awareness about the adoption journey for adoptive parents, service providers, and educators. Sierra also hopes other adoptees will read her poem and know they are not alone.

 

I’m Just an Orphan

From the day I was born,

I’m pretty sure everyone knew I was different,

The parents at each and every house I went to,

They would treat me different too,

They treated me like I had no brain,

When really I knew it wouldn’t last there either.

 

I finally got a real house,

A real family,

More siblings too,

Animals,

And even food,

Something that you think everyone should have,

But that’s not the cold hard truth.

 

I started going to church with my new mom,

Her mom too,

Sitting in the back row,

Felling judged,

But also feeling at home.

 

Listening about how God has a plan for everyone.

Everything happens for a reason,

Questioning my faith,

 

Well if everything happens for a reason,

Why the hell did this happen to me?

Why do I listen to fighting,

And witness my birth mom getting hurt?

Why did my parents get into drugs,

And treat me like I was worthless,

Pretend I wasn’t there one minute,

Then yelling at me and throwing stuff the next,

Did they not think I was too young to remember what they did,

Did they not realize that someday I’d be looking at my ceiling and wondering,

What did I do wrong?

 

Why didn’t you love me,

What was wrong with me,

Why didn’t you care?

 

I thought that was all done,

I thought you were finally out of my life,

I thought I could move on,

It was time so I did.

 

Christmas came,

My first real Christmas,

I got real presents,

Not just stuff that could have been stolen,

I got food,

Not just scraps that weren’t eaten,

Smiles and laughing,

Not tears and yelling,

The feeling of warmth running through my veins,

The love I could feel,

The love I could feel until the end.

 

I thought I was done with you,

I thought you were in the past,

I have a new family,

A new family that will last,

But I started school and the teachers gave us a task,

What they asked, Made me think different about myself and I know now you’re going to last.

 

My teacher said we all have to do a task about our family,

What parent you look like,

What parent you act like,

When did you start to talk,

When did you start to walk,

All these questions in my head,

They make me feel well dead.

 

How am I suppose to know,

These are my parents,

You can see it,

I can too,

But these aren’t my biological parents,

None of us know these answers,

So how am I suppose to?

 

It’s not my fault,

I didn’t mean to,

If you want me to be honest,

I don’t know what to do,

I think of them all the time,

What I did wrong,

Why they didn’t care.

Not everyone lives or knows their mom or dad,

So why should I have to do this,

To remind me that I’m different,

Or to remind me that they didn’t care,

Truth be I think about it all the time and I don’t think it’s fair.

 

But now kids have started saying stuff,

Stuff that keeps me up at night,

Stuff that should never be said,

Stuff that keeps running through my head.

 

They look and they stare,

Trying to pick something out on me to make me feel bad,

As I’m walking through the hallway,

I can start to hear them saying,

She’s the one, who could be at different houses different days,

Then I go home to get away from everything,

Then I that that DING,

The,

You have a message DING,

Dreading opening it after that day,

I bite my lip and do it anyway.

As I hold back my tears,

I reread it over and over again,

The words stinging the back of my head,

Reminding me of all the hell that people have said,

This one is the worst,

 

This one is always in my head,

“IF THE TWO PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WERE SUPPOSE TO LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING COULDN’T NO ONE CAN”

 

I know what they mean,

I feel it too,

How do they love me,

Is it true,

They say I’m amazing,

They say I’m worth it,

They say everything I’ve never been told,

I try to believe them, but because of everything people say,

It gets harder every day.

 

But I know I’m worth it,

I know I’m amazing,

I know I can be loved,

My parents chose me,

Yours are stuck with you,

And I know that to be true.

 

But this is life,

We are all just orphans,

The only difference is,

I found my home,

Have you?

November 15, 2013

November is National Adoption Month!

Posted in 50 Joy Drive, Adoption, Foster Care Program, Project Family tagged , , , , , , , at 1:32 pm by Lund

Join the adoption staff at Lund to celebrate on November 25th from 4pm to 7pm at our 50 Joy Drive building.  We will be serving refreshments and taking family photos.  And having a lot of fun of course as we celebrate families coming together and children finding permanent homes.

Who wouldn't want to celebrate adoption with these cool ladies?

Who wouldn’t want to celebrate adoption with these cool ladies?

Did you know these adoption facts?

1.   Lund finalized 188 adoptions last year.  170 children were adopted from foster care and 18 infants were placed with forever families!
2.  The adoption staff at Lund have over 114 years of experience between them.
3.  Lund staff members have been involved with 4 Angel in Adoption Awards.
4.  Then Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis instituted Adoption Week in 1976 to promote the need for homes for children waiting in foster care.  In 1995, President Bill Clinton expanded it to a whole month.
5.   There are over 400,000 children in foster care in the U.S right now, as you read this sentence.

Every year the President addresses the nation on adoption during the month of November.  Here is an excerpt from his 2013 speech:

“Every young person deserves the chance to learn and grow under the care of a loving family. Across our Nation, adoptive families give that chance to over a million children and teenagers. During National Adoption Month, we celebrate these  families and stand alongside every child still looking for the warmth and stability of a permanent home.”

This is what National Adoption Month is really about – finding homes for children who need them.   As we approach a time of year when family and tradition are so important and so present in our lives, it is really important to remember that there are many children in Vermont and across the country who cannot yet count on the security of a forever family.  If you would like more information on pursuing foster care adoption in Vermont, please click here.

Happy National Adoption Month and we look forward to seeing you to celebrate on the 25th!